Thursday, September 2, 2021
Fighting Shame in BDSM: Fetishism By Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Board-certified sexologist
Mutually consensual fetishism is a normal part of the sexual spectrum. It can’t be cured. You can’t fix what isn’t broken.
WHAT IS A FETISH?
A fetish is when you feel a powerful erotic response to something normally considered outside the realm of sex. Society, psychiatry, and the law have long treated fetishes as a type of psychopathy.
Is it? Let’s find out.
In this piece, I’m focusing on the myths that make fetishists question their needs. Fetishists are a world unto themselves, almost infinitely diverse in their specific interests. What unites them is the pain of feeling alone in their fetishes and being afraid that they’re freaks.
WHY ARE PEOPLE FETISHISTS?
We don’t know. Sex scientists are still trying to piece it all together. I believe that one day we will find a genetic marker for kinks and fetishes.
Consider this enigma: even when they come from different backgrounds, religions, and nationalities, and without a common language, people who share the same fetishes can have ecstatic experiences together. Whether they were born in Peoria or Pakistan, people who share the same fetish will gravitate towards the same fetish porn and masturbate to the same fantasies.
From 30 years of research and experience, and particularly my private practice where I’ve worked with hundreds of fetishists, I have built an etiology of how fetishists sexually develop. 99% of my clients said they fit this model, so my theory may be proven out in the future.
Meanwhile, this is what I’ve got (the condensed version): first, we’re born with fetish tendencies. Then comes nurturing and exposure to things in early childhood. By adulthood, fetishists have well-defined erotic needs, which then develop further according to their life choices and opportunities.
The bottom line: maybe/probably a genetic marker, then childhood and adolescent sexual formation which makes them permanently lean into specific fetishes that become treasured aspects of their sexual imagination by the time they’re grown-up. As with all things sexual, fetish can become a sacred and beautiful act; or it can become a place of shame and self-hatred.
Stereotype: Fetishists are Weirdos
Traditional Narrative: Fetishists are sex-obsessed degenerates.
Facts: Think of all the lingerie shops out there. They didn’t get there by accident. Fetishists are everywhere.
Fetishists are your neighbors, friends, teachers, and pastors. (Trust me, I know.) The vast majority of them enjoy their kinks, live their lives, and don’t bother anyone.
Fetishism occurs in ordinary people, extraordinary people, and the neurodiverse. Not surprisingly, since fetishism is a universal human trait, it also occurs in people with poor impulse control and substance abuse issues. When it does, that can mean they’re at risk of doing inappropriate things.
Take Away: There are tens if not hundreds of millions of people with erotic fetishes who lead happy lives. Media tends to focus on the exceedingly small handful who commit harm to get outrage clicks.
Stereotype: Fetishists Can’t Love People as Much As They Love Their Fetish
Traditional Narrative: Fetishists don’t make true connections, they only use partners to play out their fantasies.
Facts: Fetish doesn’t turn a person mean, selfish, or closed-off to meaningful connection. Those traits are either there or they’re not. That said, I’ve heard many partners of fetishists say they feel like the 3d wheel in the relationship. Often, that’s because they have put their fetish partner in the position of choosing between them and their fetish.
Asking someone to sacrifice their inborn needs for the sake of love is, at best, a very big ask and, at worst, emotional hell for their partner.
Of COURSE, fetishists experience love. They particularly love those who do not demonize their fetish or make them feel ashamed of who they are inside. When someone mandates “it’s me or the fetish” they inflict a wound as deep as asking someone to give up their faith or their dreams to hang on to a relationship. The tragedy is that many fetishists try to do that out of love and respect for their families — and end up ruining their own lives by living in a state of self-denial and self-hatred.
Take Away: Fetishists are just as capable of love as anyone else. Their fetish is simply the most intensely pleasurable experience they can have in bed.
STEREOTYPE: Fetishism Must Be Cured
Traditional Narrative: Fetishists need shrinks to fix them.
Facts: Ah! That would mean so much business for me if it was true! But, nope, it’s baloney.
Fetishism is a normal part of the sexual spectrum. It can’t be cured. You can’t fix what isn’t broken. You simply can’t cure the needs and desires people are born with.
Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell something.
At best, people can suppress those needs. That may leave them feeling like they’ve never really lived their lives to the fullest. That they’ve never had the ultimate ecstasy their minds and bodies need.
Take Away: Fetishists are as normal as anyone else.
BONUS
Fetish clients laugh sometimes when I tell them, “Oh, yes, don’t worry, that’s normal for a fetishist.” No one ever told them they were normal before! I run my theories on fetish development by them, though, and they stop laughing and start gasping with happiness. They realize that they ARE normal — just kinky normal, not conformative normal. So I’m adding this bonus to illustrate my theory of Fetish development.
Brame’s Seven Stages of Sexual Development in Fetishists
Adapted and edited from The Truth About Sex: Vol 2.
1. In early childhood, they have innocent (non-sexual) but unusual (fascinated or excited) reactions to body parts, specific activities, or material objects.
2. In puberty, things that formerly intrigued them are becoming parts of their erotic imagination.
3. In their teens, fetish themes begin to pervade their private fantasies. If they masturbate, their fetish interest may center in their fantasies.
4. In young adulthood, it’s common for them to think that once they have intercourse or get married, the fetish will subside. Fortunately, more and more young adults understand these days that a fetish is a fixed part of their erotic imaginations– even if they remain ashamed or confused about it.
.5. In the “settling down years,” the choice of a partner will shape whether or not fetishists act on their desires. Some find partners who share or learn to love their partners’ fetishes; others marry people who are uncomfortable, even hostile, to the fetish; and the majority of people fall in between those two relationship paradigms.
6. By the age of full adult sexual maturity, the fetish is a fixture of their sexuality. If they can’t share it with their spouse or partner, they may secretly masturbate to fetish porn.
7. Post-Prime: the older BDSM/fetish people get, the greater their need for kink/fetish sex to feel fully alive. By this time, regardless of marital status or how ashamed they may feel inside, they feel driven to have the experiences they’ve craved their whole lives before they die.
Dr. Gloria Brame is an award-winning sex therapist and best-selling author. Contact her at gloria@gloriabrame.com
Sunday, December 13, 2020
A share What a Year My Journey and evolution in 2020
i paid to do a writing course in the beginning of the year which was only to start in April.
How do I write with this crisis and pandemic going on ?
I have no interest in anything at the moment ?
Specially when writing in itself is a challenge for me to do in the first place ?
To pin myself down and for my fingers to move across the keyboard and for the words to appear upon the screen in front of me.
Now this on top of all this as well.
Fuck it just fuck it.
Eyes gaze outside the grass needs to be cut the hedges and bushes require trimming 21 days to form a habit.
A new way of doing housework in the 20th century sterilizing the baby Buddha a spray bottle in my hand each morning
everything gets sprayed down knobs to surfaces to plugs to lights switches to floors to loo a two hour chore using jik/ bleach.
There a critter in the sky what ever you want to call it that turned my life upside down in a blink of an eye.
I’m glued to the news and media something I hardly paid attention to in the passed.
Having thoughts of oh my god I’m going to die there is an invisible germ that I cannot see.
How do I ground and centre myself in this experience?
I’m experiencing fear and anxiety in my sacral chakra stomach and then nausea at other times just tears in my eyes
at another times burst into tears which moves from base to heart chakra.
None of this is adding up search the internet to find some form of understanding to centre myself again..
There’s none.
This is all up to me I’m my own teacher .
It feels like i’ve stepped into some form of of sci -fi movie of sorts everyday feels like a Sunday and there this pause this silence all around me.
Days look so beautiful the sky so blue yet there something deadly in the air
Media creating fear anxiety and uncertainly inside of me again acknowledge the feeling inside my body of thank you body I get it and ground myself back into my root chakra and feet and off I go to cut the hedges mown the lawn taking in some rays in the process.
Yoga practice will have to be done later still walking circles around the writing, ill get there always do just doing the same old dance before I get there.
Hedges, tree, bushes get cut with the slasher it takes my mind of what going on around me and in the world at large all the people dying .
Days fly by very fast I’m in a blur of no thought process just observation mode to what going on all around me.
I’ve given up smoking I can no longer have the excuse of smoking is a coping mechanism as I’ve given up smoking in one of the most stress period of the 20 first century history.
Why am I watching the media when it does this to my energy system and makes me feel this way.
Surely I need my fucking head read or something to be fixated on all this at the moment and then all the conspiracy theory out there specially David Icke.
It feels like my energy been pulled and tugged in all different directions and fragmented and what am I feeding
my physical body with all these words that my eyes and mind is seeing and my body and emotions are re acting too.
How do I find my feet in this pandemic and drama ? How do I find my way back home to myself soul and source ?
How do I take back my own power again ?
Is this some huge practical theory lesson of note Divine ?wtf
We all being waiting as a semi conscious collective for this system to come to an end regarding lower vibration but like this ?
What’s been attacked is my root chakras ?
To see and read full image auto rotate photo
As a collective Our physical bodies ?
Our place of safe and security gone in the world our physical bodies that we live in aren’t safe either. Our safety and security at root chakra gone ?
What’s the shadow aspect/ collective unconsciousness at the root chakra level ?
Fear, manipulation and control,
First Fear.. Fear of death.
Its the work i’ve done already I know im immortal its one thing to know as a semi awake human being its another to experience with an invisible critter around and a huge practical physical experience as a collective,conscious and a collective unconscious at root chakra level
One thing I know for sure is that I have to ground myself back into my physical body daily.
With the loss of my mother last year same time lines I was out of my physical body and felt that I wasn’t completed grounded my feet didn’t feel solid or firm on the ground it felt like one was floating that one wasnt connection to the earth and my life-guide intervened saying ground yourself to your physical body get fully presence.
So this time I knew that it was about grounding my light body/ soul / energy body to the physical plane which I did.
Except I was still feeling out of sorts mental wanting to make sense of everything.
From root to heart to throat chakra the same forms of attack implying to the emotions / feeling i am feeling inside my body
and which parts of my body im feeling these emotions in. .
root chakra fight or flight and flight weakens the immune system.
Yoga and meditations is all about breath work and connection with source and self the opening and expanding of the heart chakra the flow of oxygen through the whole physical body.
Im aware that our collective unconscious brother and sister don’t breath properly in the first place and my breath is actually my life force energy
that gives my body life.
Also perhaps it might be my beloved earth mother mother of all mothers going you fuckers I cant breath you suffocating me with the way
you lived upon my surface and expelled this germ virus critter from the lab in some form of purging way..
Oh well just know I got to get a grip on all this as i’ve been taken complete out of my comfort zone by this .
Enough thinking now, waking up the next morning with the thought process in my head of don’t lean on your own understanding.
Its about faith ,trust acceptance and surrender and that also about mental emotional surrender with the thought process of
IT IS WHAT IT IS FOR NOW.
Yoga changed to 12 pm every day noticing that the media starting to inflate things it becoming aware that one sentenced as a headline thinking
it something new to readb by click on link its the same article with the same info over again.
Same words over and over again health care system not ready for this, not enough ventilator no vaccine. Ok so no medicine for this !
Im sucking hard boil sweets like no tomorrow each day its a packet of sweets by the three day I realise my inner child is terrified and
that we going to die is my inner child letting me know that she fearful of this whole experience and I let her know that I will keep her safe and
protect her through this scary time and that I’m here for her.
I’ve learnt monkey mind can drive you crazy and your imagination starts to run away with you conjuring up the most
craziest of thoughts and images and realise that I have only the now and
that where my power lies in the now of where I am moment by moment.
Making a conscious choice as to where I choose to invest my energy daily using discernment regarding what news is real and what new is fake what’s been blown out of proportions and all the trigger words used to create panic fear and drama in the pandemic and containing my energy..
By calling my energy back from all the places I fragmented it from and staying in the now.
As when I’m in the now I’ve won and i’ve found my way back home as a semi awake human being.
That’s awake in this experience and can help my brothers and sisters find their way home energetically by sending
them love light and healing into the earth with my yoga practices and prayer.
To where ever it is need as a light workers and starseed to hold the light energetically in these times of chaos
as the phoenix rises from the ashes once more and not to allow fear to take the joy
out of life and my human experiences.
.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Webcam Sessions and How they work online ?
Hello all,
I trust that everyone is keeping well over these unprecedented times,
and finding new creative ways of sustaining themselves.
Mistress has moved to online session on Whats App’s and
is weekly online for two to three hour @
https://sextradercams.co.za/Mistress-Gail
with folks asking
How do online sessions work?
Simply put an email or call is still required for an online session with Mistress.
your bdsm kinks and fetishes are discussed with Mistress and Mistress attains
as to whether you’re bdsm kinks
and fetishes can be Played out online for a session or not..
Creatively thinking outside the box is a Must for an online session.
Once your tribute reflect a day and time is arranged for your What App’s session.
At Sextrader cams the same process applies of calling Mistress booking your session and time
being ready with your toys for your session.
Buying your credit for the session that was discussed with Mistress of
15mins, 20mins,30mins, 45Mins, 60mins, sessions
Clicking on Mistress photo at sextrader cams that say Live
Clicking on the Mic Button Icon to hear Mistress on the left hand side of Private
and a pop up notification will appear
sextradercams.co.za want to use your mic allow click allow
Click on the on the Webcam icon to see Mistress on the left hand side of Private
the same pop up notification will appear
sextradercams.co.za want to use your camera allow click allow
Then click on PRIVATE To session with Mistress Gail Online
at sextradercams.co.za
and What App’s video you know how to utilize
Dominate Regards
Mistress Gail
,
Sunday, June 14, 2020
Sessions and Covid Safety Precautions
Two light blue germicidal UV lights and UV sterilisation lamps have been placed in the dungeon and shower area
killing viruses and sterilizing spaces within 15 mins.
On arrival your hands shoes will be sprayed with dettol water and temperature will be taken.
Once done you will take Mistress temperature before you enter the dungeon space.
Clothing will be hung in the usually space and session will commence as usually.
after session you are welcome to have a shower before leaving.
After you have left all the equipment used in the session will be wiped down with a wet wipe and then sprayed
down with strong dettol mixed with water.
The Blue uv lights are switched on to sterilize the equipment
Mistress fet gear is hung up in the sun after the session then its off for Mistress to gargle with salt water and shower
and return to the dungeon to turn the equipment used around for another half an hour.
The whole sterilization process takes an hour and half to do .
Mistress Gail
Monday, June 10, 2019
The Art of Female Domination an Online Dominatrix Training Course Taught By Senior Mistress Gail
The first of its kind
I’m proud to announce that I Senior Mistress Gail will be teaching an online Dominatrix Training Course called The Art of Female Domination for all those aspiring Ladies out there that are wanting to enhance their boudoir antics,or those that are wanting to learn the Art of Female Domination to become Professional Dominatrices.
I am not Ok with teaching full service providers my practices, who offer oral,nudity, and full house with their Services.
The Course material deals with twenty six subjects which will be divided into four online Training Modules Consisting of the following
1 The Dominatrix Persona what Qualities and attributes make up the Dominatrix
2. The Psychology anatomy and head space of a slave, submissive, naughty boy, sissy slut and fetishist
3. Paraphernalia and implements of the trade and knowing how to work with them in a safe, sane consensual way.
4. Setting up your Practice and What is required of you .
you will remain anonymous The online training Course will be held on What App, Messenger, for an hour and will be recorded each Tuesday with a drop box link to a audio file that will be sent to you’re email address for you to download for revision and homework.
Any other Questions that you didn’t ask in class will be answered the following week before I processed with the next Subject.
Once all the Modules are complete you will be tested on everything that I have taught you.
A certificate will be provided to you on the completion of the course
Cost of the The Art of Female Domination Online Teaching to become a Professional Dominatrix is
R5000.00
Cost of The Online Boudoir Antics is
R3000.00
Mistress Gail can be Emailed @
dominatrixmistressgail@gmail.com
Dominate Regards
Senior Mistress Gail