Sunday, October 15, 2017

Journal Entry about my life and journey

The unconventional lifestyle of a Professional Dominatrix and the challenges within her own psyche


Regarding her profession and the cultural conditioning mind fuck of unlearning everything that she had been taught to think in a cultural conditioned system.

Out of all the Professions in the world, I choose to become a Dominatrix ! I found bondage to be one of the most intriguing fetishes to work with. It’s a huge turn on for Me as a Switch in my home life and the nativity, thinking back, that I was going to making a lot of money in this profession when I first started out.

“I am a mystery to myself, a human jigsaw puzzle
with so many parts and pieces of myself that are unbeknown to me”.
Through careful evaluations of myself I start to discover
and understand the self that I am.”

I started to discover along the way that my profession required a huge energy investment from me i.e the work to understand what Classical BDSM is all about ?

From a psychological aspects of what makes a submissive, or slave or naughty boys’ mind tick over, regarding their fetish fantasy that they have ?

How to work with someone’s fantasies and fetishes. For Me, there is nothing more physically exciting and amazing, then watching someone getting aroused through their fetishes. Knowing how to work with their fetishes and which buttons to press.

How to understand the whole dynamic behind the scene and then all the other challenges that came along within the Profession on an individual level of the human being that takes on the Profession and Role of the Professional Dominatrix.

My profession required a lot from Me to remain mentally Positive in my profession and on the days and months that work and sessions were slow.

I would experience a lot of self-negating talking from my ego mind, and shadow chipping away within my own psyche that I would politely pretend wasn’t there.

I started to notice that all my days were open to Me to do what ever I wanted to do with them.

Back then it was seen as what do I do to entertain myself with while I waiting for work and a sessions to come in ?

For the day and not to have the constant nagging factor of work and money in my head all through out the day and doing something else would slow down the nagging thought process in my head.
At first I was not aware of what I was doing just knew I needed to get a handle on this ?

First it was sewing and making fet gear and doing alterations on some of my fetish clothing when I first relocated to Durban and would sit in front of the sewing machine making clothing. Then it shifted to diversification of offering another services such as controlled ejaculation and Swedish massage.

Coming to terms with the fact that my profession required a lot of self discipline from Me in various aspects of my Professional life.

Mental and emotional positivity of how do I go about my day
Self Discipline and self motivations to get up and get ready for a new day when its quite and leave yesterday in the past and to just keep going and saying to myself for every no their a yes around the corner.
Self Discipline and Self Awareness with my Resources and how do I work with my cash flow on a weekly bases in a clear conscious and wise way regarding responding to my responsibilities my bills
Self Awareness of how do I work with advertising and marketing myself and my services and expressing myself with words and wording to market my work and Branding My Name Mistress Gail.
How are they to be bought weekly or daily figuring out that weekly worked more effectively for Me
Spending of Resources during the week
To become aware of my spending during the week as all the odds and ends during the week would add up to quite a lot of resources at the end of the week,

All these challenges and opportunities for Personal Growth and Personal development open to me and still thinking to myself those that work for a boss their lives must be so much easier then mine.

They don’t have to worry if no work comes in for the day they still going to get paid at the end of the month.

Yet I’m not the type of person to go yes sir no sir three bags full sir and keep quite to keep my job that just not who I am at the core of my being.

I speak my own mind and say what I feel inside myself expressing myself and to keep quite and live that way would be sheer torture for Me.

I beat to my own drum so best I embrace all the challenges I am experiencing as its gives me an opportunity to heal grow and expand as individual and human begin.

I’m not in that position in my life if I don’t work I don’t eat and I don’t live and that where fear comes into my profession and psyche of the Professional dominatrix and the human being that I am.

Next Question ?

Why is My Industry viewed any differently in the sense of the word they selling a product and providing a services and how many products must they sell to adds up to how much money they make for the month. That would be called a Rep.

Am I not selling a Product too ? Or am I not ? What am I actually selling and specializing in ? Am I providing a service and specializing in Human Sexuality and Eroticism is this view as both a Product and services ?

So therefore then Am I a Service Provider providing a BDSM Fetish experience for another to explore with Me ?

I am working with fear, anticipations, expectation on a weekly bases and now I am experiencing the same thing within my own psyche is this what its all boiling down to Gail in your profession ?.

How does one work with this dynamic of Fear in ones own Professions life on a daily bases.

How does one remain real authentic and true to oneself in the progress while dealing with this emotion called Fear in one Professional life ?

What is fear really?
Where did it come from?
Why is this emotions Here ?
What can this emotions do to Me as a person and individual.
How do I work with this emotion ?
How do I overcome this Emotions ?
How do I see this emotions for what it Real is ?
What does Fear have to teach Me regarding Myself ?
How does one conquer this Emotions within my own psyche ?

I have this epiphany of Freedom within my profession to do so many other things and the journey of exploration to explore so many aspects of myself and when I look at the word today I giggle when breaking down the word you get free- dom.

How Ironic is that an opportunity to become a free dom. Regarding all these challenges I am experiences and to conquer and overcome all these challenges in my own life while I am being a professional dominatrix.

How interesting and exciting is this to discover about yourself being S in the cash flow quadrant. Self Employed and discovering all these opportunities open to you what a gift and blessing to have.

Then comes the Professional challenge as a Service Provider dealing with that conflicting word that all of us carry within our Human Nature EXPECTATION.

Every client that see you has some form of Expectation regarding the BDSM Services you provide as a Service Provider and this EXPECATION is not a conscious one its an unconscious one that only become conscious after the session they have experienced with you.

The Ego mind integrates the session and its experiences afterwards and comes to it own conclusion regarding the session with no feed coming back to the Service Provider to improve her services. Which always makes Me sad in more ways then one.

That why the email that went round was the best thing since slices bread as any form of criticism in what ever form is a Positive one for Me as I see myself as a painting a canvas of one that constantly evolving growing and expanding all the time.
With the realization that this is all about the Self that I am, the human being and how can I grown and expand and become more of who I am at a soul level.

Others have the EXPECATION that you must be in full Dom-mie Roleplay mode and you start the session and the individual your are playing with sits with a mouth full of teeth in the session and out the window goes all the spontaneity of creative role play that could have been experienced by both parties had he responded for you to combined this into the session.

Others have EXPECATION that your whole home must be a dungeon and that you should be living and breath BDSM 24/7 with No other personal interests regarding the individual person and human begin you are and that you don’t have a normal life due to the profession that you do.

Those are all you own thought process and projections that you have regarding a Professional Dominatrix.
They are not the thoughts or experiences and challenges of a Professional Dominatrix.

Another is you can’t please everyone as a Service Provider some will like you and some will not.
Its about building a solid foundation of repeat work and developing a platonic relationship with your clients

Others have no realising that you have chosen to live both lifestyles a unconventional lifestyle as well as a conventional lifestyle.

Yet the most entertaining and interesting aspect of all this is that unconventional lifestyle meets conventional lifestyle in ones own home life doing the same dance between the introvert and extrovert that all of us are in all aspect of our lives.

When one

BECOMES ONES OWN private investigator of your own self 24/7

you become aware of some many things regarding yourself that you where not aware of in all aspects of your life and your Profession shows you where you can heal grow and expand on a daily bases.

For instant the questions I presented to myself the Self Awareness that came to the forefront regarding work, money, people, human sexuality, fear, expectation, self discipline, self awareness regarding all the challenges surrounding my work and profession.

Slowly but surely I started to unlearn everything I had been taught to think about work, business, and money, through spiritual counselling and was given tools that I could slowly integrate and utilize in my everyday life.

A client was no longer seen as Money alone a Session was now integrated and interpretative as work and resources.
When work and resources comes in I will respond to my responsibilities of paying my bill and knowing that my faith in sources would make it so and that all my needs would be meet.

I do choose who I see I listen and ask questions first before I give my details out.

That fear itself was an emotions of fight or flight that fear itself was

false evidence appearing real or facing everything and rising.

That fear was an emotion to work with and not be frightened or scared of the emotion that when I became fearful of something that I had to acknowledge the emotions to myself inside myself and not go into denial regarding the emotions and to ask myself what am I frightened of and then to share the experience with sources and would notice the feeling and emotions wouldnt be so intense inside myself.

That when I didn’t have money I would experiencing separations anxiety regarding money and how to work with all those emotions and the fear of separation anxiety surrounding money.

So to all of you that might of thought being a Dominatrix is an easy profession its far from it.

Its a personal Journey of Self Discovery growth and healing and that

I have come to conquer myself and not the world.