Mistress Gail's Blog

If you’re a submissive man and you’re looking for a femdom relationship, I have bad news for you.

The path will not be easy.

A decade ago, I wrote about something I called the “Domme Deficit.” Simply put, there are a lot more submissive men out there than there are dominant women. While things have improved in recent years the ratio between submissive men and dominant women could be as high as 20 to 1.

If you factor in where you live, kink compatibility, and things like having similar vanilla interests, then the outlook is grim.

There’s a reason professional dominatrices can charge $300 an hour or more for their services. And it has everything to do with scarcity.

While we’re on the subject, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to a professional dominatrix to experience what it’s like to be submissive or to explore fetishes and desires.

Professional dominatrices have experience, training, all the outfits and toys, and usually a quality playspace. It’s worth the time and the money to seek a professional dominatrix because they have invested a lot in making sure that your experience is memorable.

However, if you’re looking for an intimate relationship with a woman who is dominant, then you have a lot of work ahead of you.

I am in an unique position. For the past two decades, I have built a career around fetish photography and media services for the kinky crowd. That means I have worked with dominatrices from around the world.

Given my unusual level of access to dominatrix has led to a few intimate long-term relationships, but not as many as you might think.

If it’s tough for me, in my position, and with my reach, to find a dominant woman then it will be doubly difficult for most other guys.

So, with that in mind, here are a few suggestions on what to do to give you the best chance of meeting the female dominant of your dreams.

Get Your Own Act Together
The first thing you should do is take a good look at yourself. It’s time to be critical.

Make sure your grooming and your appearance are up to par. If you’re not in shape, hit the gym and eat better. And it wouldn’t hurt to clean up your place and get ready for visitors.

Do all the things you would do for yourself if you would go out on a date with any other woman. Actually, do more.

Maybe it’s a great time for a new haircut or a good time to trim your beard or try adding a few new pieces to your wardrobe.

Anything you can do to make yourself look and feel more confident, and to project you have your act together, will help.

Put Yourself Out There
I get contacted daily… daily, by submissive men who want me to introduce them to dominant women.

That’s not my job, that’s your job!

What are you doing to put yourself out there?

Start by taking an open and honest assessment about who you are and what you’re looking for. Write a brief bio that concentrates mostly on yourself. Talk a little bit about your accomplishments, but even more about your demeanor, what makes you laugh, what your goals are, and what makes you unique. Don’t get so damn specific on all of your fetish interests, this is not the time to talk about all that.

Take that brief bio and put it on all of the kinky dating sites plus OkCupid, which I hear is open-minded about kink.

Create a few social media accounts for your kinky persona and talk to people in a real and respectful manner. One of the social media accounts should be on Fetlife.

Talk less about what you’re looking for and more about who you are and what you offer.

Finally, get out of your damn house and go visit a local BDSM group.

I know all of the excuses you could give me for why you can’t do it. Like, the group is too far away, or you’re too shy, or you have no one to go with, or you’re scared, or whatever.

Look, what you have to decide is whether you will let all those things prevent you from getting the domme of your dreams or if you will nut up and make it happen.

I can promise you right now that no dominatrix is going to magically appear on your front doorstep and ask if you want to be dominated. You will have to make some serious effort and that means attending local BDSM groups where you can meet real dominant women.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

While you’re out there searching for people on the Internet or attending events at your local BDSM group you must listen to what real dominant women are looking for. Whether it’s in profiles, or in a conversation, women will tell you the submissive they are hunting for.

Put aside your own fantasies for a moment and pay close attention to what these women are saying. If you can connect with someone there will be plenty of time for you to talk about your own fantasies. Focus on what the woman wants.

Hello! This is a basic tenet of the femdom relationship.

And While We’re on the Subject…
Compatibility will be a major factor in any kink relationship. In most cases, you will not find someone who totally matches all of your desires.

Again, if you want all of your fetishes or scenarios met perfectly, then maybe you should look at a professional dominatrix.

If you want to be in a relationship then there will be give-and-take involved. You may not get to do all of the things you want to do because your partner isn’t interested.

And because dominant women have a much wider selection of options they are in the superior position, both literally and figuratively. They can be picky because the numbers favor them.

If you can get most of what you’re looking for then you should count yourself lucky.

Realize You Might Not Be Looking for a Relationship at All
After I wrote a fiction book on a femdom relationship I got my share of emails from submissive men who did not understand what was involved.

They erroneously thought a relationship would have the dominant woman dressed in lingerie regularly and that they would live in a world where it would be playtime all the time.

Furthermore, they never considered that there would be actual servitude, which might include chores, discipline, and consequences for your actions.

Relationships can literally be anything you and your partner decide, but many real-life femdom relationships include downtime, going to your jobs, taking care of kids, visiting relatives, and all the aspects of a vanilla relationship.

Maybe you’re not looking for a real femdom relationship. Maybe you want to find someone who will scene with you occasionally. There’s nothing wrong with that. Being available just for playtime might open more opportunities for you.

And again, maybe you should consider just paying a professional for the experience you’re looking for and go back to your regular life the rest of the time.

On the Other Hand…
Maybe you want the real thing, and that’s great. It’s out there.

I talk with real femdom couples daily, and their relationships are incredibly inspiring and incredibly real. But those relationships didn’t happen by accident. They required being in the right place at the right time, keeping an open mind, and being ready and available physically, mentally, and spiritually.

If you’re a submissive man looking for a dominant woman, you will need to do the things that will give you an advantage over all the other guys out there (and there are a lot).

When you meet the woman of your dreams, you better be ready to impress.

Please tell me your tips and experiences in meeting the domme of your dreams in the comments section below.

Not all submissives are looking for the same things in their relationship with a professional Dominatrix. Some treat a visit to their Mistress like going to get a massage: in and out and see you next month. Others wish to find a deep and meaningful relationship and many others fall somewhere between the two. I have written this guide to help you navigate what can sometimes feel more like an obstacle course than a relationship. If you truly want to be more involved in your Mistress’s life and wish to gain her affections, read the following list carefully and take notes. Follow my guidance to realise your true potential and help your relationship with your service provider flourish. Many service providers have lifelong and meaningful relationships with their ‘special clients’.

I had some help from my good friend Madame Caramel who contributed a few points to this list. Please note that this list is written from our points of view and the 20 points listed below might not apply to all Mistresses. We are all different.

The guide to being the perfect client for a professional Dominatrix

1. DO LOTS OF RESEARCH
The first rule of slave school. Remember that if you want to create anything long lasting, looks alone will not get you far. To build a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, you need two people with compatible interests and life views. When a mistress catches your eye for any reason, go digging on the internet. Find interviews, reviews, videos (please pay for them! Pirating our stuff is not supportive!) and study them to find out if you like what this person is about.

2. PROMOTE HER ONLINE
One of the hardest parts of being a professional Mistress is marketing. It’s so difficult to constantly self promote. One great way to be supportive of your service provider is to help to promote them online. You can do this by participating in forums dedicated to the fetishes she excels in and mentioning her, linking to her content, and basically advertising her. You can do the same on social media, writing admirative tweets about her, illustrated with flattering photos of her. You may not have a large social media following, but your tweets will look great when she retweets them, showing her followers how popular she is. Another truly amazing way to be of service is to offer to write your provider a review. Ask her where her favourite place for posting reviews is, or offer up some that she might not be aware of. Always ask before posting a review, as some sex workers prefer not to have reviews posted online.

3. BUY HER CONTENT
Many sex workers make content to sell online. If your admired Mistress sells clips or runs a subscription service, subscribe! Buy her content! The best way you can support her is financially while also helping her boost her numbers through a service which ranks its content producers. By buying her clips you are helping her rank higher and be more visible.

4. VISIT REGULARLY
I’m sorry to break it to you Hun, but if you only visit two or three times a year, you’re probably not in the favourites list. All relationships need feeding. If you only turn up at the change of the seasons, you’re not really coming across as invested in building something with her. If you are not able to visit as often as you would like or circumstances (like a pandemic) prevent you from doing so, book video calls or sessions or phone chats/sessions.

5.THE BEST RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR LIFE, IF YOU LET IT BE SO.
Relationships with sex workers seem really tricky because you are navigating a totally new landscape of boundaries, freedom and power dynamics. This relationship will be unlike any you have ever had before, and can easily become one of the most important and longest lasting relationships in your life. Here you have a person with whom you can be more vulnerable than with anyone else in your life, someone who understands intimacy and who enjoys making people feel good so much that she does it for a living. She can offer totally objective advice as she has no stakes in your life, no reason to look out for anyone but you. She will leave you the freedom to live your life as you choose to and not pry into your private life. She has a deep understanding of healthy boundaries and of human psychology which are two of the most important ingredients in a long and healthy relationship. She is sometimes even the person in your life with whom you end up having the deepest relationship, specifically because of her professional skills. And above all that, a service provider can also develop deep feelings for and connections with her clients.

However, one of the most crucial ingredients in making this relationship work and even flourish is also often one of the hardest pills to swallow. The thing that makes her so alluring, that keeps spice in the relationship, keeps it fresh and exciting after years, is Her Freedom. You need to accept that your Mistress accords you affection, attention and time, but will never belong to you. It’s her freedom from societal structures, from the blandness of everyday life and classic gender norms that makes her so appealing. She is a free spirit who has transcended societal expectations so as to live her truth, and you can never ever try to catch that in a jar. If held down she will wilt and die, but nurture and support her, encourage her freedom, and she will always fly back to you.
It’s very important never to have expectations of your relationship with your sex worker (in relationships in general too). If you go into it expecting for them to fall madly in love with you and pedal off into the sunset you will be sorely disappointed. This is a mutually beneficial relationship, almost like an agreement with stipulations. This won’t take away from the specialness of it, quite the opposite in fact. Setting clear boundaries is possibly the healthiest thing you can do in a relationship and is a key element in constructing something long term that is more deep and meaningful than a whirlwind romance.

6. DON’T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU
Be warned, this list is not for self serving submissives. If you follow the instructions herein but your goals are for you to get what you want from the Mistress, you will fall flat on your nose. It very quickly becomes apparent when a submissive’s intentions are egocentric in nature. The key to true success is to approach your relationship with true care and commitment. Think of HER in your decisions. Pay attention to HER. Why? Because if you truly care about this woman, it is not by wanting her to yourself but by wanting her to thrive. True friendship.

I am here going to address a prevalent male trait which needs to be eradicated at all costs: The need for constant positive feedback. Don’t believe me? Read this amazing article by an exhausted wife, which tells a story EVERY woman on this planet is familiar with (reading this article by the way is a perfect example of the ‘doing research’ point. Dig deeper into me. Read links. Expand your understanding of my thoughts and opinions). Many a time has every Mistress had to deal with someone who supposedly wanted to spoil her but made the whole process so emotionally draining that it’s not even worth it. Do not be that sub. If you are going to do something for a Mistress, just do it. Don’t contacting her asking if you can do it, then when she says yes tell her you are doing it, then keep her updated on the trials and tribulations of getting it done before checking in constantly to confirm that it is appearing done on her end and then expecting time and attention from her after she has just had to micro manage you through the entire process. If you want to do something nice, just do it. It won’t go unnoticed.

7. SHOW INITIATIVE
This point is definitely a more personal one as I know many Mistress friends of mine love micro managing their slaves. I however have a certain preference for men who can take initiative. To me it shows that you pay attention. I am constantly putting clues out both as to my tastes and my aspirations. It doesn’t take long to find out all about me and my needs and desires. So keep your eyes and ears open and when you sense a need or desire within me, be right there, suggesting and offering. Be proactive and selfless. The most wonderful feeling in the world is to be surprised with exactly the thing you desire the most. I much prefer that than having to ask for it. Your attentions should be on your Mistress. If she is having to ask for things of you, are you really paying attention?

8. BE HONEST
Nothing kills a relationship faster than finding out they lied to you. If there is something you don’t want your provider knowing about you, be honest and tell them this is the case rather than making up a lie (this is another example of setting healthy boundaries). Service providers understand the need for privacy and for keeping different areas of your life separate and any Mistress worth her weight in salt will be respectful of this.

9. SPOIL HER
It’s pretty basic knowledge that spoiling your Mistress is a sure fire way to get ahead but WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? You see #SpoilMe written all across the internet, but you’re paralysed, unable to work out the best way to do just that. Well as always, knowledge is power. Do you remember how in the ‘Do Your Research’ point, I described finding out as much as you can about your Mistress? Here is one of the areas of the relationship in which it becomes very useful. Firstly, think about your budget. If you don’t have much disposable income, thought and attentiveness definitely comes first. Pay attention to her favourite treats (whether bath products, food, or creams). Little gifts can have a huge impact if they are exactly the person’s favourite thing. I know that I love it whenever anyone buys me a Rose Jam shower gel or Ro’s Argan body conditioner from Lush. If you have a larger budget, then look at her wishlist and pay attention to the higher price items (especially ones that seem geared towards her home or business). Some of the best gifts I have ever received were filming lights and for my birthday this year one of my favourite subs (see? it works!) bought me a garden shed! Of course another great way to spoil your mistress if you have the means is with luxury goods, especially custom made fetish wear! Pay attention on her website and social media to her favourite fetish and lingerie brands and offer her a gift card for her favourite toy maker or designer, or even to finance a pair of custom boots or a custom outfit for her. And in the ‘helping her improve her life’ theme, think of spa days, courses she might enjoy attending, concert tickets and other experiences (memories and newly found skills take up no space in a cupboard and are memories for a lifetime).

10. SELF NEGLECT IS NOT SELFLESSNESS
Here is something I have come across again and again. Some submissives just go too far in their selflessness. I know this sounds crazy, but it is a thing. The most important thing about selflessness within your relationship with a dominant is that it must have its limits. If you put them first in absolutely everything all the time, you begin to neglect yourself. This can have a huge impact on your mental and physical well being as well as having severe ramifications within your life. I get told a lot by other Mistresses who know me that I am an incredibly giving person. I am always there for my friends (and that includes my submissives) when they need me, but within reason. Over the years, I have learnt to say “No!”. Before saying yes, before offering your service to someone, before jumping in to help, always take a moment to reflect on your own life, state of mind, finances etc and think ‘Am I able to handle this?’ and that doesn’t mean can I manage to barely hold my life together? It means how much is this going to cost you on all different levels? What impact is it going to have on you? Are you yourself in a place of strength and security from which you can offer support without it being a heavy burden to bear? If you take this approach to our relationship, you will show that you have a strong sense of self, which ultimately makes you a much more appealing person to have in one’s life. We all like being surrounded by solid people with a good sense of self worth, don’t we?

11. GIFTS DON’T PAY BILLS
It’s lovely receiving gifts, it really is. You know what is even lovelier? Not worrying financially. A tip, or even a birthday gift of cash in an envelope or a nice bank transfer will be even more gratefully received than an expensive pair of shoes. Even better than spoiling us, fund our life.

12. IT’S ALL ABOUT BALANCE
Every relationship in our life works around the same principals. It’s an exchange. You get something out of it, they get something out of it. And every relationship in your life has a value on it. This value is rarely solely monetary. It is often a complicated mix of emotional, psychological, physical and other values. We exchange all these commodities, and the relationships where the exchange is balanced thrive and those where it is imbalanced wilt and decay. Your Mistress is very used to the concept of transactional relationships, in which a tangible value is put on an interaction and the building of a relationship. Although most of her clients pay only in money, there are those, like you, who seek and wish to offer more than a purely commercial arrangement.

Now here is the nitty gritty of it. At the end of the day, you are the client. Even after 5 years when your relationship far exceeds the merely session based one that it was at the beginning. You are still the client and your Mistress is also aware that if you chose to end it, end it would. Therefore it is up to you to put your right foot forward. You want more involvement? Start giving more and she will get the message and let you in more. Do you get it? You shouldn’t expect her to reach out to you. You Mistress doesn’t know your personal circumstances and has no business poking her nose into your life. If you want more out of your relationship with your chosen Mistress, it is up to you to start putting more on the table, being there for her, offering your services, spoiling her, and all the other things mentioned in this article. Showing tangible proof of how invested you are in the long term and how reliable you are will allow her to feel safe. If she feels safe she will be more willing to invest herself emotionally. Remember that every Mistress has been hurt many times by investing herself emotionally only to be let down. Any Mistress with a few years under her belt will be weary of showing any vulnerability for a while so show the proof in the pudding and give her the time to process.

13. SPEND TIME WITH HER
Extended sessions (anywhere from 4 hours to a weekend away) give you time between the play for moments of getting to know each other, emotional intimacy, and also getting up to more normal activities together such as going out for dinner or to the theatre. If you are that guy who goes once every two weeks to see your Mistress for a quick in and out session, are you ever truly going to even scratch the surface of this magical mystical being of pain and pleasure?

14. BE PUNCTUAL
The pet peeve of every Mistress is unpunctual clients. Do everything you can to always be perfectly on time. That alone can make you stand out.

15.RESPECT HER BOUNDARIES AND PERSONAL LIFE
Just as you have your own personal life, so does your Mistress. Part of what made you fall madly head over heels for her is the image that she has curated (likely over many years) which is specifically engineered towards a fantasy. Fantasy is exactly that. Do not pry into her personal life. She will open up to you as and when she desires and is perfectly within her rights to keep whatever she wants private about her life (this again is a healthy example of boundary setting) . She owes you nothing. Always remember that. And remember that part of the beauty of your relationship is that you both hold space for each other to be who you want to be and a part of that is fantasy.

16. BE RELIABLE
When times are good, there are so many men in my life pledging their undying devotion to me, but whenever I hit hard times, I see those who truly care. It has happened to me before to give a long standing client the boot because they went on and on and on about how they were there for me and how I could always count on them and then within my time of need they were nowhere to be seen. You don’t have to pledge yourself like that. I have many adored clients who can’t commit themselves to me in that way and that is totally fine and in no way impacts our relationship. But conversely, those who have been there for me when I needed them and who have stood by their word have a special place in my heart. Why? Because I know that their affection for me is real, not just an infatuation. They truly care, and believe it or not, we sex workers also seek genuine human connection. So to recap: You don’t need to promise your unwavering loyalty to develop a good and strong relationship, but it definitely helps if you are there in her time of need, and being there counts for a LOT more than constantly talking about it. And if you ARE going to talk about it, make sure you follow through because the proof is in the pudding and until I see that pudding, it might as well not exist.

17. DON’T DISAPPEAR
In relation to the point made just above, the worst thing you could ever do to your relationship with your Mistress is to disappear on her unannounced. Life circumstances may require you to take a step or two back from your relationship with her, but swallow your pride and be open. Write her an email explaining your circumstances and thanking her for everything she has done for you. Tell her that you will keep fond memories of her and maybe try to leave the door open for you to return if/when your circumstances permit.

The cherry on the cake? Send her a parting gift (whether cash or an actual gift). It’s the best way to really show her how much she means to you and to become a fond memory as opposed to another name added to the list of disappointments. Remember that we invest ourselves emotionally too. We are not immune to feelings. My heart has been broken again and again by adored clients disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

18. SHARE YOUR SKILL(S) TO HELP YOUR MISTRESS SUCCEED IN LIFE.
The perfect way to take your relationship with your Mistress to the next level and show her that you are not just committed to it but also to her well being and success is to take a look at your own skills and how they can be put to use in helping her succeed or improve her quality of life. Whether you are a carpenter, banker, lawyer, doctor, chef or mechanic, or if you have any other skills, tell her about them, discuss with her if she thinks you could be of any use and even offer up ideas she may not have thought of. Give yourself extra value by adding value to her life. We are all one woman businesses and any assistance we can get in real life matters is going to be of amazing help. I know you like being a footstool, but it won’t help make her life better in the long run. However, maybe if you are the one who sets her up with an investment fund or helps her secure that mortgage, she’ll be much more excited at having you as furniture.

19. MAKE A LONG TERM COMMITMENT
What says “I really care” more than a long term commitment? And how do you prove your commitment? I think that the Sex Worker/Client equivalent of a marriage proposal is when the client offers to help with a long term financial investment like a mortgage or a car or an apartment rental or anything else which involves signing a contract for long term engagement. Sex workers are in a very sensitive grey area when it comes to finances. Although we pay our taxes, we are first of all self employed which comes with its many pitfalls (such as our post expense income often being very low due to the costs of running the business, thus leaving us incapable of even getting a lease without setting down 6 months up front) but also many institutions have rules and regulations that are very hard for us due to the cultural views of our work.
Offering to help your Mistress by co-signing on something like a rental could make a huge difference in her life, and if you can spare the money to support her in any way from helping her on a mortgage to taking on her phone bill, it will be so greatly appreciated and show her who she can truly depend on. It’s really the ultimate way to show her you care and you’re here for the long run. And trust me, in an industry where most of us experience an incredible lack of stability in our lives on a daily basis and can have our lives turned upside down in the blink of an eye (Like when you get caught up in a press scandal), commitment and dependability are two of the most precious things you can offer your Mistress.

20. COMPENSATE HER FOR HER TIME
Always keep in mind that her time is precious. As a self employed woman, her time is literally her living. At the end of the day, it’s all about transaction. Are you compensating her fairly or even (if you truly care) generously for her time? And I don’t just mean financially. All of the above tips count in this. So study them. Make yourself into an asset. Be your best self. You will see your relationship flourish, and with it so will the rest of your life. These attitudes will start to bleed into other relationships and will make those who surround you feel appreciated and so they will in return put more effort into their relationships with you.

I hope you enjoyed this guide and that it helps you improve your relationship with your Mistress. Mistresses please feel free to use his guide as an educational tool for your own clients. If you have thoughts or other suggestions that have worked for you, please leave them in the comments for future readers.